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alexk
Guest
As the Sunday Guardian continues its series on the lives of ex-inmates and prisoners, we speak with prisoner and poet Nicholas Khan, who takes us through his tunnel of trials and triumphs.
“Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete? Proving nature’s laws wrong, it learned to walk without having feet. Funny, it seems to by keeping its dreams; it learned to breathe fresh air.
Long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else even cared.”
—Tupac Shakur, The Rose That Grew from Concrete
It was this quote from a book of poems written between 1989-1991 by murdered US rap artist Tupac Shakur that made incarcerated teen Nicholas Khan search himself and see the light.
The handwritten poems sitting between the covers of the book titled The Rose that Grew from Concrete, in many ways mirrored the life of Khan, as it depicted hardships, struggle, anger, pain, being misunderstood and the discovery of one’s self.
We were first introduced to Kahn during our 2017 coverage of Voices From Inside—T&T, a first time-streamed live-collaborative event by Bocas Lit Fest and US writer, professor and international activist for prison reform Baz Dreisinger
Khan performed a self-written piece titled The Wall, a touching illustration of life as it begins and promises to end in prison due to the flawed justice system. The Diego Martin native, through his poetry and writings, has made some pioneering moves even from behind prison walls.
Khan, who goes by the sobriquet Nicko (Nothing is complicated knowing one’s self)—also his personal mantra, has become an award-winning, poet and spoken word artiste. He’s broken barriers and scored a hat-trick in history-making events in the prison system. He became the first inmate to perform at the First Citizens national Poetry Slam competition. He made another first competing in and winning the Bocas Lit
Fest Human Rights Open Mic competition, beating out 52 contestants.
In 2014, Nicko’s Ink, Khan’s first book of poems was launched on Amazon and re-launched on October 16, 2016, by the T&T Prison Service at Nalis, making it the first launch of its kind initiated by the service.
On July 4, 2018, he had a second Amazon book launch—Trials and Triumphs. Khan was also selected to be one of three inmates from around the globe to be featured in a six-minute-long documentary about the criminalisation of poverty across the globe, which can be found on YouTube.
But perhaps the most memorable of his accomplishments in years to come will be having his piece, Pen and Penitentiary, featured at the Nelson Mandela Day Global Celebration Behind Bars event which was hosted by Dreisinger in South Africa on July 17, 2018.
The story
Coming from a hostile household where Khan witnessed the abuse of his mother, whose name he preferred we withheld, left him feeling angry and helpless that as a child he could not protect her. He later found himself hanging with bad company and becoming involved in law-breaking activities.
At 17, perhaps the worst yet, Khan was jailed on a capital offence charge. He was also doing time for larceny, escaping lawful custody, illegal narcotics and assault. To date, he has served ten years in prison having served out time in full for some of the offences and being acquitted of one.
On November 28, 2017, Khan was convicted to serve a 30-year sentence. This sentence was reduced to seven years and eight months taking time spent in prison awaiting a trial, his guilty plea and his positive growth as an inmate over the years. But Khan has appealed this sentence hoping to win and walk a free man in 2019.
Yearning to know his now-deceased biological father and dealing with a ‘pressure-cooker’ of a home led Khan to run away at 14. He did not get far, sleeping on a bench on the Brian Lara Promenade before his older sister, who also previously ran away, came to his rescue and took him to live with her in East Port-of-Spain.
Uncomfortable with the environment Khan was in, his mother, who had known by now of his whereabouts, assisted the two in moving to an apartment in San Juan. Khan dropped out of school and began attending a computer class in Port-of-Spain which he didn’t complete.
“I could not focus. Plus everybody there was older than me. I was the youngest person there…it was just uncomfortable,” he told the Sunday Guardian.
Having to help his sister pay bills, Khan would end up with little left over from the salary earned at a carwash.
“I was young. I seeing all my friends in San Juan wearing the latest, I want to fit in too,” he interjected.
Khan began selling marijuana, causing friction between him and his sister, who did not approve of the illegal source of earnings. He later dropped the trade, saying it just did not work out for him and turned to random robberies.
He was soon held and charged alongside three friends on July 18, 2008, for trying to smuggle four kilos of cocaine from Venezuela to Trinidad. He told the Sunday Guardian he took the chance because his then-girlfriend had just given birth to their daughter, who subsequently died on July 21, 2008, from pneumothorax (collapsed lung), the same day he was released on bail. She had only lived 16 days.
Before Khan could catch himself, ten days later, on July 31, 2008, while attending a hearing in court he was arrested by homicide officers and charged with the murder of a Curepe businessman. Four months shy of 18, Khan was placed at YTC and later transferred to “big jail” at Golden Grove’s remand section.
There were mixed emotions for Khan once incarcerated, although he admitted to not taking it seriously at first. He said he got in with the wrong crowd too—the “Don Corleones” of lockdown.
“I was told prior to being transferred to big jail, a certain religious sect run the prison, I identified as one to gain respect immediately as I did not know anyone on in there,” Khan explained.
Transformation begins
While serving out his assault sentence at the Port-of-Spain Remand Prison, the words “this is my home” from a death row inmate shook Khan to reality.
“I saw this man in white clothing so I began to question him about why he was wearing white, did not know the colour coding system at the time. He asked me my age and what I was locked up for and when I responded “murder,” he said he was in for same.”
Khan asked the man how long he had been incarcerated and was told 17 years. That, he said, woke him up.
“I never knew anyone who spent that length of time in jail.”
In the three months he spent at Port-of-Spain Remand, the life timer positively impacted Khan’s life. A semi-literate Khan noticed the inmate was an avid reader. A book was offered to Khan, which he refused but then later confided in the man that he could not read.
The inmate helped Khan learn to read. But it was coming across a book of poems written by late US rapper Tupac Shakur that stirred Khan’s heart and for the first time he felt vulnerable to his pain, which he previously and deliberately blocked out.
“I saw myself like he was talking to me. I saw a side of Tupac that I never knew and I fell in love with how it was put together,” he said.
Fate would have it that Khan, on his way back to Golden Grove in Arouca, was spotted by his primary school English teacher, who had joined the prison service. The officer, who taught inmates at the prison, took Khan under his wing, assessed him and enrolled him in an adult literacy programme facilitated by the Adult Literacy Tutor’s Association (ALTA), an official external partner with the T&T Prison Service.
Khan later rewrote SEA and attempted CXC for the first time. Although he did not gain the other subjects he wrote, he was happy having acquired English. Now, with a passion for reading and a positive outlet to channel his feelings and emotions, Khan began to keep a diary of poems, writing about his childhood experiences, social ills and his dreams.
From the prison cell to the stage
A poem written by Khan and posted on social media drew a radio announcer’s attention. She featured it on a programme and it received rave reviews from callers who encouraged the young Khan.
Allowed to listen to the programme from his prison cell, Khan said it was the first time he ever heard people speak well of him.
“This made me feel real good about myself and gave me hope,” he said.
Khan’s poems were then featured weekly on the programme and the radio announcer later introduced him to a man claiming to manage a group of writers and artists. He promised Khan “pie in the sky” regarding his poems but this never materialised.
“D’ man come and talk some real big talk but he wasn’t serious. He had me feeling like those international stars that get discovered. But all he really sold me was a false hope,” Khan explained.
But Khan’s sister began searching for local poetry clubs and groups to share his work. She eventually found poet Paula Obe, who was fascinated by Khan’s work and became his publisher.
Now anticipating release in 2019 should his appeal go well, Khan said he hopes to join his brother’s printing and design company, as no one else will hire him.
“When people see me all they will ever see is what my record says—convicted felon. I must carry this burden for the rest of my life,” he lamented.
Asked what was the first thing he’d do upon his release, Khan said it would be to go home to his mother whom he loves dearly, sleep in a warm bed and hug her up like when he was a baby.
He left this message: “Think about the consequences before you act because there are only two destinations when you make the wrong choice—the early grave or the prison yard.”