Child Abuse: See Something, Say Something

[Shadowhunter]

Though April is known as Child Abuse Awareness Month, many people still do know know what child abuse is or understand how detrimental it can be to the health and well-being of children.

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Here are some popular excuses given for staying silent about, encouraging, or doling out child abuse:

• "They need to be kept in line"
• "He/she look for it"
• "He/She was unwanted in the first place
• "They deserve far worse"
• "In my day that was nothing"
• "I went through the same thing/worse, why can't they?"
• "Not my kid, not my problem"
• "I don't want to mind people's business"
• "If it wasn't for him/her things would be better"
• "It is the parent's/relative's/adult's right to 'discipline' them/put them in their place/teach them"
• "It happened to me/him/her and I/they came out alright"

Child abuse isn't just about those viral videos of babies being kicked down, pushed down, and slapped around in tubs of scalding hot water, or of kidnapped 5-7 year olds being raped or sodomized to death. It can be in abusive actions we have been desensitized to accept as the "norm" and our silence allows it to continue.

All of the following are examples of child abuse:

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• engaging in sexual intercourse with a child
• performing sexual acts in front of a child or forcing them to watch such acts eg. pornography and showing genitalia to children and ask them to touch or otherwise engage with it whether it is covered or not
• fondling/groping/poking/pinching/squeezing/grabbing/tickling a child's genitals, inserting anything in them, asking them to touch someone else's or in any other way engage with someone's genitalia
• removing a child's clothing or forcing them to remove their own to beat(physical assault), fondle/touch, photograph, or entertain anyone
• shaking, slamming, choke-slamming, choking, kicking, shoving, biting, stabbing, shouting/screaming at, cursing, degrading, hitting with an object, hitting with a closed fist or open hand, dragging, and throwing things at a child are examples of abusive behaviors. Doing such things in front of a child are also debatable as abuse in some countries due to the psychological damages.
• denying a child health care, medication, treatment for illness, and monitoring of their health stats by trained professionals.
• denying a child food, starving them, forcing them to pleasure or otherwise entertain others for food, forcing them to eat on the floor or with animals or out of the garbage
• denying a child clean clothing, bedding, shelter etc. Forcing them to sleep on the floor, with animals (eg. dog kennel), outside the home, on stairs, in garages or porches etc

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There are ways to discipline a child without causing emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, or verbal harm. Abuse is a very vicious cycle that is known for its continuity as many victims are at high risk for either becoming abusers themselves or, because they have been carefully groomed into the victim role, they may become a victim for another abuser.

Some people simply repeat what they know, what they have experienced, and what they have seen others doing. They convince themselves that nothing is wrong with their abuser(s) or themselves and may find themselves acting out accordingly, causing harm to others and defending their own abusive actions as the norm, all that they know, not that bad, or something that can't be helped. People that encourage and enable abuse have a devastating impact on abuse cases. They are inadvertently (and sometimes quite intentionally) silencing, shaming, and blaming the victim and boosting the abuser's confidence and actions, thus worsening the abusive situation and often helping to perpetuate the cycle. Consider too, that there are abusers who know exactly what they are doing and intentionally seek to harm children. One child's silence allows the abuser to continue having an unsuspected reputation and easily prey on others, which is often the case.

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If you suspect that a child is being abused, or if a child has come to you talking about it, PLEASE do not silence, blame, or shame them; belittle their pain and confusion; or sweep it under the rug. Report it to the police, make an anonymous report to Childline (800-4321), talk to a social worker, or go to someone else that can take such actions.

 

[the strange one]

gd information....some children are even affected by this in some cases they are in distress and may show up with falling grades,depression cutting oneself with a sharp object,nightmares(sometimes if the incident was so serious daytime wetting and bedwettting may occur due to fright),aggressive behaviour as well and may then affect their mind when they get older or even end up in st anns(worst case situations)

 

[Shadowhunter]

Excellent note there, quite true!

Other signs to look out for include aggressive behavior (mirroring the abuser); withdrawn, easily startled, fearful behavior (groomed into a victim or mirroring another victim); bruises, cuts, limps, injuries, fatigue, or unnecessarily covering up their body (to hide injuries); malnourished appearance or in poor health; difficulty expressing themselves or interacting normally with others; self-harming behavior such as cutting, burning, digging, or picking their own skin, eating disorders, addictions to drugs or alcohol, or "looking for trouble" or similar attention seeking behavior including promiscuity; and abnormal displays of emotion such as constant crying, numbness, constant anger, etc.

Another big one that many people overlook is children expressing fear or discomfort around an adult.

Though if an adult is in the process of grooming a child, the relationship may appear to be a mighty sweet one as the grooming process slowly manipulates and brainwashes children to become dependent on the adult, and trust and believe everything they are told (including threats or harm, coerced isolation, "nobody will believe you", "nobody cares about you like I do" etc). Part of the process can include bribing and sucking up to children, and being overly permissive/kind/generous/gifting etc to trap them and/or smooth over the abuse. Some abusers may even identify abused children and seek them out as the child may be hungry for attention that they are not getting, positive expressions of care, and their existing victimhood makes them an easier target to believe what an abuser says and soak up the pre-show of kindness before the abuse starts. Many children come forward with their abusive experiences and are punished, not believed, accused of lying or spinning tales, and blamed/shamed. Yet some know nothing but abuse or are trained to believe it is normal and do not seek help, simply because they do not know that what they are experiencing is abuse and/or is wrong.

 

[nirtime]

Honestly society is not equipped to deal with this type of child. They are usually further abused when they go out into society dependent upon finding comfort and security. Due to their differences and outbursts sometimes, school might just be a means of rigorous discipline without consideration of a root cause. In these cases the fear, trauma, confusion and array of other things is just amplified.

Also, there are some very stubborn children out there who, by age 3, are already back answering their parents and other adults with whom they have no familiarity with. They don't respond to normal attempts to train and encourage good behaviour and the only thing they apparently understand is a lash or two. What do people do in these cases? How can a child that is so badly behaved and seemingly untrainable be controlled?

 

[Shadowhunter]

Children are born not having any previous knowledge on how to live and act in acceptable manners. They must be shown, taught, and encouraged in order to learn socially acceptable behavior and life skills. This is often over-looked as we unrealistically expect children to just know how to behave, control themselves, and figure out what is and isn't right. In the human species, children are born helpless and in order to survive, must have someone care for them. We are not like other animals that are born knowing how to run and chew solid food. We must be guided. This is why in our society, children are dependent on adults. For everything, (learning a new language, learning another country's culture, learning a skill, etc), even as adults, we learn over time and if we are not intentionally guided, we often learn by observation and trial and error.

Children are not born knowing how to express their emotions constructively or how to work through them healthily. It is the responsibility of the surrounding adults to mirror and teach this, although, IMHO, I have seen many adults still behaving as though they don't understand this concept. When you hit, scream, and throw things at a child, you are showing them that this is the way you express your anger/frustration/resentment/confusion etc. Why then, be surprised when you see the child doing the same thing? Doing exactly what he/she has been taught? If as an adult, so many people freely have tantrums and openly hurt others without fear, why then are these same adults then shocked and pissed off when the child who sees these actions begins to mirror them? This teaches them that violence and aggression is the way, and that when you use violence and aggression as a means to control them and instill fear in them, they are internalizing that too and if they have been groomed as your victim, no doubt they will one day find someone who they do not see as a controller and act out accordingly, if not sooner as a result of pent up emotions (leading to outbursts).

Beating children is easy. Instilling fear is easy. Yelling at children for being wrong and messed up while claiming you are in no way responsible for that result or being willing to help correct it is easy. Teaching children that presumably loving, trusting, and safe relationships are filled with controlling, aggressive, and violent behavior is easy. Blaming children for not knowing how to behave like functional little adults (even though so many adults do not know how to behave in socially acceptable ways) is easy.


Stopping to figure out why a child is acting the way they are is hard. Teaching a child to express themselves constructively and demonstrating, teaching, and encouraging ways to work out negative emotions in a healthy manner is hard. Teaching and guiding someone who is smaller, weaker, and helpless while demonstrating and reciprocating positive practices and behaviors even when you're tired or frustrated is hard. Giving a child leeway for mistakes on their learning journey and accepting responsibility for teaching them from those mistakes is hard. Being firm and consistent with boundaries and rules without being aggressive, violent, or controlling is hard. Leading by example is hard.



Many times a guardian may be willing to demonstrate positive behavior patterns and teach children accordingly, and is often undermined by others in society (eg family, friends, community) due to the very popular mentality that condones acts of violence and aggression as appropriate in family settings, and those who insist it is the only way one will learn. My personal stance is one that is against abuse so I may be biased in my statements. But if our ancestors didn't like being whipped, raped, beaten, robbed, and brow beaten by their superiors; if those treatments did not teach them to grow happily and healthily and was worth a fighting chance of wanting to live as free average people in a society who did not live in fear of a whip or cower at the thought of another human being coming towards them; if our adult ancestors didn't like it and evolved to build a society where adults are capable of functioning without such measures, why are we still doing it to our children? As slaves and indentured laborers grew to resent their bosses, masters, and owners, and often retaliated and saw their authorities as the enemy, how do we expect children (who do not know better, as an adult would) to not follow such natural human emotions?


If a three-year-old is acting aggressively to others, especially adults, I would look at what that child is being taught and shown. If the child witnesses people being victims to abusive (aggressive, violent, controlling, and/or manipulative) behavior or is receiving such treatment at the hand of others (i.e. adults) then maybe it's not such a surprise when he/she acts as they are. I do not believe in "do as I say, not as I do" and the younger a child is, the harder it is for them to comprehend such a hypocritical stance. It is perfectly natural for a child to act out what they see, hear, feel, or otherwise experience. To the adults, two hard slaps might instill enough fear to "put him/her in their place" momentarily. But when the moment passes, the child will naturally want to be just like mommy/daddy/auntie/uncle etc. and that is no surprise at all. Neither are outbursts of emotion for children. Adults should be there not to teach suppression and fear IMO, but demonstrate and teach healthy ways or progression and human interaction. Many of us agree that it is wrong to hit puppies and kittens, and even adult animals. Why then accept it for young human offspring, our own species?



*Note: My views may be biased and are my own responsibility. I've come to my opinions after extensive years of experience with children and families from different backgrounds, social classes, and cultural systems, in addition to years of constant and continuing research into child development theories, practices, and results as well as such psychological origins and effects.

 

[nirtime]

I see what you mean and thats generally how I see it too but there are some odd cases where the child doesnt see the patterns anywhere but due to a lack of training they develop symptoms of stuff like ADD or ADHD. that is what im referring to. When theres actually no abuse but a severe lack of training between a few months to 2 years of age. Im of the view that every action has a root cause or reason behind it. Once the reasoning is found it.should not be a manipulative matter or an instillative motive. It should be to understand the child but the case im talkimg about is one where nothing works. Attempts to teach the child go futile as the child simply does not listen but has their own agenda without any hope of habit formation.

 

[Shadowhunter]

I think not listening is something children do until they learn an extent of obedience and may continue into adolescence and adulthood for some but in cases of health issues (ADD, SPD, dietary triggers, etc.) I would recommend that the guardians seek the advice of a professional through occupational therapy, psychological therapy, etc. This way they can get the support to help them through the process of raising their child with these factors in play, and learn the best methods and tools to do so. Some families note improvements in less than a year of occupational therapy with most behavioral factors and once the parent/guardian has the knowledge to cope with and support their child's development with such detours at play, everyone benefits.

Something to consider though, is that even if this all takes place, the parents/guardians alone do not interact with the child and must take precautionary and advisory actions with others interacting with the child eg. daycare/school, others the child is left with etc. You can teach your child to express themselves productively and healthily demonstrate that but a teacher, babysitter, friend, relative, etc can counteract that by shaming/blaming the child, yelling, hitting etc. Children are very impressionable and a stranger's comment of "you must be a troublemaker/bad boy/girl" "You look like you need plenty licks" "You just behaving bad for nothing ent" has more effect on a child's psyche than we may know.


Some things I look to when dealing with a child that exhibits troubling behavior:

• are they hungry/thirsty or well-fed?
• are they cold/warm or dressed appropriately?
• are they ill, not feeling their best, going through a developmental or other spurt, in pain or discomfort, deficient in something, or healthy and well? are they taking any medication or in need of any?
• are they overstimulated/overwhelmed/scared/confused? too many or too little lights/noise/interaction with others/stimulation of any senses?
• have they let out enough energy through play/physical activity etc?
• are they clean/wet/soiled/sweaty?
• are they getting enough attention? too much?
• what kind of behavior is being shown to them, taught, or encouraged?
• do they have any dietary issues? allergies, sensitivities, intolerances, hyper-reactions?
• what kind of environments do they regularly engage in? allergies, sensitivities, unaccustomed to new situations?
• is an introvert being pushed outside their comfort zone? extrovert etc?
• what emotion are they really feeling? what caused the emotion? have they been taught to work through these emotions healthily and productively? if those methods are not working, what else can work?
• am I or anyone else doing anything to upset, frustrate, cause pain, fear, confusion etc?
• does the child need something they are not getting? If this is intentional, do they understand why or can their attention be diverted or taught to react differently over time?
• does the child feel cared for, safe, understood, and comfortable?

Every child works differently and reacts to different things in different ways. I go through questions like this first and then look to other issues eg emotional and behavioral issues that may be diagnosed by a professional. Even though some children may not fit the bill for a specific diagnosis, many have enough factors of a specific issue for therapy to still be a viable option anyway. If one doctor/health professional cannot give a diagnosis, take the matter seriously, or act in a satisfactory manner, get second, third, and fourth opinions; more if necessary. Even children with no tendencies towards such issues can still benefit from many therapy practices, which usually teach children through forms of play that cater to specific needs.


Another help may be teachers. As teachers deal with quite a large number of students over time, many have the dedication and experience to notice red flags or certain behavioral tendencies and may be a proactive force in getting children tested in school. I know someone whose child was tested and diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia this way. Before the testing, though the child was not a "problem" child, certain quirks were present and brushed aside as "acting up" etc. After the testing, both teachers and the family were able to come together and work on supportive ways to address and work through the same quirks together in a healthy, productive, and progressive manner.

 

[nirtime]

I think if every parent asked themselves those questions and took on such a dedicated perspective, we would have much less issues in schools as we do today. Actually, theoretically speaking, if that was followed, abuse would not even exist and we would have a far far better society.

Now to answer the questions, all seem to answer normally but since I am not involved in the daily life of the child I don't know what could be wrong and so I will not proceed any further.

 

[Shadowhunter]

True, but it is hard. I've been in environments with parents/guardians that spanked, yelled, belittled, insulted etc and environments where children never heard the word "no". The key is to achieve a balance. IMO I practice what I preach and try to lead by example. If I playfully hit or curse someone in front of my child and I find him acting the same way, the problem is me and I act accordingly to fix my own problems before I hold a child responsible for actions they are naturally prone to mirroring. But man is it hard lol It is so easy to just resort to old time methods eg tongue lashing, hurting physically etc. But I think children learn and grow best when they are not being desensitized to such behaviors.

At the end of the day, I think the old "it takes a village" should hold more meaning than it currently does. It's not about repeating the past and doing what others do because that's the way it was done before or because our elders have rights over our kids. I think that phrase should mean that we all look out for each other as parents and kids and offer support, encouragement, and motivation to each other. If someone has the tools to help with someone else's situation, it can be offered or suggested, or adults working together in constructive manners as teams can get much more progress and better results. Personally, I've come across too many people, both people I know and total strangers, that are willing to give parents a serious tongue-lashing about everything from their parenting to their children's physical attributes, even for children that aren't born yet! I think a lot of people make judgments based on their perceptions of others and snap at others because they are projecting their own issues, or trying to follow in the footsteps of others who have done the same to them.

 

[nirtime]

There are those people who walk the earth to criticize and tell others what they should be doing without actually doing what they preach. These people are the nuisance and I get very annoyed with people like this. Its like they want to tell other people's children what to do when they don't have a close bond with the child even. There is no level of understanding between the person and the child. I don't get those people.

People grow children differently and when you look at the home children come from most of the time, you understand where misbehaving stems from and why some children are how they are. Its the same with abuse and there isn't much anyone can really do in modern times to prevent exposure at a young age to the "socially undesirable" as it is very prevalent across Trinidad.

 

[Shadowhunter]

TBH a lot of professionals encourage abuse and abuse others themselves. Especially people that deal with children. I've found a lot of people that should have knowledge and experience about who they work with on a daily basis are quite ignorant. Just earlier this year, I went to a health facility and a primary school boy had to be examined. He was staring straight ahead, trembling, cold sweating, and palpitating the closer it came to the practitioner calling him in. Staff came out from their offices (nurses, social workers, other doctors, administrative staff) to make a spectacle of him as they spoke very loudly throwing talk and laughing rudely at what a baby he was acting and said such things to him as well. His mother kept slapping him over his head and verbally abusing him (much the amusement of the staff) and he eventually started to cry. He reluctantly went into the room and ran out. His mother told the staff to catch him and as they laughed and shouted insults at him, many of them repeated to her that she better give him "ah good cuttail" and make him "feel it".

I know a lot of people will see nothing wrong with this, but IMO it is abusive to treat a child that way and if the staff felt they needed to leave their work and get involved, they should have helped the mother find supportive, relatable ways to cope and tried to soothe the child's fears. Most likely he is now further traumatized and will possibly be even more fearful of going to doctors or health facilities (as are other grown adults that I know). To them, they were a village raising a child. To that child, they were probably a village of people to be afraid of and feel threatened by or better put, a village of bullies. The same effort they put into ridiculing him and encouraging his mother's abusive actions for their own entertainment, even adding their own fuel to the fire; they could have very well been more productive and used the moment as an example to demonstrate healthier ways to communicate and cope with unwelcome behaviors such as children's fears (which is naturally occurring IMO).

Not only nurses, doctors, etc. but I've found people from all kinds of positions that openly support and encourage this kind of behavior and then sit back wondering why the child is a "problem child". We need serious child protection laws to be taken seriously and to be enforced. People in positions others will listen to can use that to their advantage to spread healthy messages too.

 

[the strange one]

TBH a lot of professionals encourage abuse and abuse others themselves. Especially people that deal with children. I've found a lot of people that should have knowledge and experience about who they work with on a daily basis are quite ignorant. Just earlier this year, I went to a health facility and a primary school boy had to be examined. He was staring straight ahead, trembling, cold sweating, and palpitating the closer it came to the practitioner calling him in. Staff came out from their offices (nurses, social workers, other doctors, administrative staff) to make a spectacle of him as they spoke very loudly throwing talk and laughing rudely at what a baby he was acting and said such things to him as well. His mother kept slapping him over his head and verbally abusing him (much the amusement of the staff) and he eventually started to cry. He reluctantly went into the room and ran out. His mother told the staff to catch him and as they laughed and shouted insults at him, many of them repeated to her that she better give him "ah good cuttail" and make him "feel it".

I know a lot of people will see nothing wrong with this, but IMO it is abusive to treat a child that way and if the staff felt they needed to leave their work and get involved, they should have helped the mother find supportive, relatable ways to cope and tried to soothe the child's fears. Most likely he is now further traumatized and will possibly be even more fearful of going to doctors or health facilities (as are other grown adults that I know). To them, they were a village raising a child. To that child, they were probably a village of people to be afraid of and feel threatened by or better put, a village of bullies. The same effort they put into ridiculing him and encouraging his mother's abusive actions for their own entertainment, even adding their own fuel to the fire; they could have very well been more productive and used the moment as an example to demonstrate healthier ways to communicate and cope with unwelcome behaviors such as children's fears (which is naturally occurring IMO).

Not only nurses, doctors, etc. but I've found people from all kinds of positions that openly support and encourage this kind of behavior and then sit back wondering why the child is a "problem child". We need serious child protection laws to be taken seriously and to be enforced. People in positions others will listen to can use that to their advantage to spread healthy messages too.

and then this behaviour tricks down in school,where he might be afraid to inform the teacher that he has to do his numbers and might end up doing it on himself due to fear etc.